You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
