You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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