tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
