There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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