$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
