my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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