He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
