Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
