im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
