After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
