i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
