bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
