Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
