I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you win again, gameday.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
