So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
