I wish I only lived at night.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
