i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
