If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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