So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Go christen that room with your naked body.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
