i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
