I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
