Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
