They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
