Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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