why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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