Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So much rum. So many feels.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
