I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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