new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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