So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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