:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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