And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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