I wish life had little blips of pornography
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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