he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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