Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
