My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
