life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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