I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
