if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
