I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
