Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
