he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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