We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Even my vagina gasped.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
