The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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