You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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