I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
