My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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