I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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