weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
