I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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