Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hello my rib-scented angel!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
