hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
