Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
