I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So vagazzling was a success
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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