Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
