True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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