his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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