There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
