her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
His hands were made for my vagina.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
