so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
