Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
