Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
